WAR

its funny how momentary moments of bliss can end so quickly. no matter how happy you can be with life the reality is that life will always throw the bad at you. No matter how perfect things can go reality sets in. Im not saying that im scared its just that im tired of having to keep prepping for the new battles of life. when will everything just be easy. when will happiness just take me away from all the bullshit. no matter how stable life can be life will always give you new battles. i guess its irrelevant. i will say this though. im ready for war. everything that i fought for everything that i did to rebuild my life.. id rather die to protect what i have now.. then lose it all again. i CANNOT lose it all again. i WILL not lose it all again.. and because of that... im ready for war.

early morning..

9 am. first time in a long time that ive Woken up at this time. thoughts clear mind fully rested and i think abt how the start of a brand new day is like a blank piece of paper waiting to be written on. waiting for a new story to be told and scripted. waking up.. the start of a new day.. ahh how i feel so new. i feel as if the whole future is ahead of me. if i take this day sieze it by the horns and fully live it.. then today can be start of a new future. a new life. a new love... o how i love early mornings. waking up with you ;)

recovery phase

the old dream is dead.. washed up like a old drunken bum on the corner streets laying wondering where it all went.. but where past that. something new has come into my life and rather then push it away because of thoughts of old lets try to find some new happiness. although i never thought it was possible to let someone else in its time to heal the wounds of love. how? by giving it another shot. so the time i use with you now the time i spent working on obtaining a new heart a new smile i sit back and gather all this positive energy to recover. because there is nothing like the first but maybe just maybe if i give my heart to someone else again i can fully recover. some may call it rebound but i call it recovery phase

hope.

its all i hold onto. the feeling that maybe just maybe. meh its to early to tell. i just know i have to stay strong. hope is just the start. its time to start now to turn this hope into a reality. just got to stay strong. it could be worse right? at least there is something to look forward to. at least there is a reason to wake up now. to breathe. to eat. to live... hope. its all i hold onto. dont be a spaz. she held your hand and called you baby. hope.

Love.... actually???

i thought for sure my dream had come true. growing up i didn't dream of being a rockstar.. dream of being a basketball player. i dreamed of being in love. silly right.. it took me 20 years to find it. and boy did it hit me hard. if i had to focus on all the negative aspects of it. i sacrificed everything. my family, my friends, my reputation.. just to see that smile on your face. thats all that mattered to me.. its all i cared about... LOVE. and now... where has it gotten me. everyone hates me.. even you. so what do i do now. what do you do when you have nothing left. no dreams no goals. just and empty void that fills me up with depression and sadness. if i can take any solice from this pain it is that i truly was in love to feel this pain. to feel this gut wrenching heart twisting pain makes me feel... something. love... actually hurts.